ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

Dear Auntie,
I am writing to seek advice as I am quite frustrated. I have always been close to my mother as, growing up, I was very lonely. I was shy and got bullied at school. Let’s just say my childhood ended early.

We’ve always tried our best to be open and keep a healthy relationship, but communication started getting harder for me the more I grew up. Now, I am 16 and we fight a lot. I know this is mostly because our opinions differ greatly. My family has always been religious and stubborn with certain rules. My brother and I share different values and beliefs from our families, which is hard for them to grasp.

Despite the differences, I want to get along with my mother and to compromise on things peacefully. I feel my relationship with her is only getting worse and one major reason for my chronic stress and anxiety is my declining relationship with my mother. I see myself becoming more and more like my father every day, unable to control my irritability and temper. I am scared of turning into him. I want generational trauma to end with me.
Best regards, 
Tired

‘I Don’t Want To Fight With My Mother’

Dear Tired,
For someone who is only 16, you sure are carrying a lot on your shoulders. You are sensitive and thoughtful, which already puts you miles ahead of the family patterns that you’re scared of repeating.

The fact is that relationships with mothers usually become rocky around this age for many people. You’re becoming your own person and forming your own opinions, and sometimes that clashes with what your parents think is ‘right’. It doesn’t mean the love has gone from your family. What it does mean is that both your parents and you are trying to adjust to the person you are becoming.

It’s also okay that your values don’t match your family’s. That happens in a lot of homes and, in my experience, especially in religious ones. What matters though is your intention, which is clearly to improve things with your mother. 

As for your fear of becoming like your father, Auntie wants you to deal with this by looking at the positive in this. The fact that you are noticing the irritability and the temper is very encouraging. It is also the first step to not repeating that behaviour. People who end up repeating trauma are usually the ones who either don’t see what they are doing wrong or who pretend nothing is wrong. You realise that the behaviour is wrong and that, in itself, is breaking the pattern.

For now, I suggest you try this when things flare up with your mom: as soon as you realise what’s happening, just stop reacting. Go get yourself a glass of water, leave the room if you can and take a deep breath. Later, when things are calmer, you can tell your mom what you actually want: that you don’t want to fight and that you want both of you to understand each other better.

Don’t do this during a fight though. Even if her response to your request isn’t ideal, trust that she has heard you and what you’ve said will have an impact. Because, guess what? She also doesn’t enjoy fighting with you.

Also, you aren’t responsible for ending your family’s generational trauma by yourself. You’re only 16. And at this age, you’re allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. You’re on the right track. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 23rd, 2025

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